In this book, psychotherapist David Richo explores how we replay the past in our present-day relationships—and how we can free ourselves from this destructive pattern. We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances. When the Past Is Present helps us to become more aware of the ways we slip into the past so that we can identify our emotional baggage and take steps to unpack it and put it where it belongs.
Drawing on decades of experience as a psychotherapist, Richo helps readers to:
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breaking Up Is Painful, but There Is Still Life After Love
Wanna know the trick to surviving a break up? Time. Sorry, I know you wanted some secret that would help you get over the unbelievable pain you’re feeling. The truth is that even though it’s hard for you to see right now, you can have happiness and love someone else again.
When you’re in the middle of the pain it seems impossible that you will ever find someone else, you don’t believe that there is anyone else out there that can make you as happy or who you can love as deeply as your ex. But there is. I’m not saying that you will love them in exactly the same way as you loved your ex, I’m just saying that you can love them as deeply as you loved your ex. But it will take time for you to get to that point.
While you’re waiting for your pain to diminish and the wounds to heal, there are many things that you can do that will help distract you, even just a little bit, from everything you’re feeling. What you choose as a distraction will not only have an impact on how quickly you move on but will also impact the person you are post breakup. This is not the time to make rash decisions.
Take this time to explore new options. It doesn’t have to be some big life altering change, maybe something as simple as a new hair style. Of course, it can be something big like learning a new skill, going back to school, getting a new job, getting in shape, visiting another country, etc. The point is that you might as well use this time while you are healing from your breakup to accomplish something that will help you move forward in your life.
Do not make the mistake of wallowing in your grief and feeling sorry for yourself ( a little of this is ok, especially at the beginning, but ultimately you need to allow yourself the ability to get stronger). This is not the time to find ‘quick fixes’ for your pain such as eating or drinking too much or finding other people to hook up with. Doing these things won’t help you heal the scars so that you can be a whole person for the new person in your life, whenever that new person arrives. Doing these things will act like an anchor and hold you fast to the place you are right now… filled with pain and regret. That is not the place you want to stay you need to move forward.
Surviving a break up is something we all need to face at one time or another, and there is no easy way around it. When you lose someone you love it hurts… a lot. The trick is to trying to find positive things that can keep your mind occupied while you are healing. You won’t totally forget about your pain, but you may be able to push the worst of it down once in a while and give yourself a much needed respite from your pain.